Thursday, July 7, 2011

I'm Sorry

It's funny how one minute I can be like talking and laughing and the next just crying. I think it's a bit like forgetting, and then at the slightest trigger, the cover's blown and you remember that you're miserable again. But I never used to be able to turn on the waterworks quite so easily. (Books and movies not included.) It makes me hate myself, a little. And if I hate myself, how can the people around me not hate me, too?

I hate myself for not even having a legitimate reason to be an idiot.So what if things are a bit stressful at home. At least I have a home, right? No, that's not the real reason. If I looked very carefully at the patterns  I've formed, I'd know exactly why I'm being so retarded. But I can't say it out loud. Because it's churlish, ridiculous, and just plain stupid, and maybe if I don't say it it will go away, as if it were never there in the first place, and then I will be stuck with being difficult for no apparent reason.

I feel like I'm a walking time bomb, a stress trigger about to blow, which is immensely self-centred than me, because there are millions of people going through much worse than I am, because I'm not going through anything at all.

So I'm not the easiest person to be around right now. If you haven't noticed it, then thank you, because that means I'm doing a good job. But what a stupid thing to thank someone for. There are several someone's I would like to thank for really good reasons.

Thank you, for ignoring my ill-founded fits of lack of self control, and dealing with me when I'm like that. Thank you, for being sincerely oblivious to them, and having your normal cheerful days so they always bleed into mine. Thank you, for always catching me when I'm about to walk out the door. Thank you, for bothering to speak to me to try and get me off the literal floor. Thank you, for putting up with the snarkiness you would never have normally put up with.

You may know which you you are, or you might not even be reading this blog, but thank you anyway, and I'm sorry.

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