Explanation

Reading XinYou's blog post reminded me I never really blogged about what it was like, properly, receiving my results. Well, I don't think I could blog properly now anyway. My brain has shrunk since considerably these past few weeks.

How to put it? If I described my own feelings, it would be just: nerves. Maybe I wouldn't be freaking out as much as Miss Lee, but... it's hard to describe, after all.

I woke up, refusing to think much about what was coming later, and went out for breakfast with my family. I was literally glued to my phone, smsing XinYou who was to tell me when results were out and calling Chalystha who was shrieking at me several octaves above her normal speaking range.

I ate a lot at OldTown, in defiance, not nerves. Because Cha demanded to know how I could be eating at a moment like this, and I wanted to show my family, who were utterly bored with my nervousness, that I could handle myself with a little bit of... self-control. I slowed down considerably with my last piece of toast, but I told myself to get a grip.

Driving back home from OldTown Cafe, with Cha calling and begging me to go to school with her, I felt the tiniest twinge of regret of having glutted at breakfast. I pushed it away.

I had no idea what time it was, but it was taking too long. Too long. I went into my room to read and not stare at the clock. My sisters were relieved. They were sick of having me fret around them so much.

As I was reading, I realised something that made my heart skip a beat. My phone was not next to me. I ran out of my bedroom at top speed to go and get it when I ran right into my eldest sister, who was holding it out. I stare at the screen (GODDAMNIT, SHE'D ALREADY OPENED IT) and what do I see? A text from Xin You, saying: Hey they're giving results now.. *calm*

Was he asking me to calm down?!

Because if he was, it didn't work. I locked my arms around my sister's neck and climbed onto her back. Literally. My feet were off the floor, and I was clinging to her and all. Moment of pure jakhoon-ness. Luckily I managed to get off her as she began calling for help. I dashed to get decent and my mom, sisters and dog were packed into the car with me feeling slightly... desperate.

I needed to know... thank God school is just 2.5 minutes drive away from my house... My mom kept on asking me stuff along the line of "Where do we go?" and I was ignoring her... somehow I managed to tell her to drive up to Dewan Bakti... where I got her to stop and I flung myself out of the car... and I ran as fast as I could past the puddles and the drain at the side of Dewan Bakti without twisting an ankle - you know how it is - I saw people, and then, I seized... I don't know, one of the jejarum boys, I can't remember, and demanded he tell me which table to go to... and then I skidded over to Pn. Lean, where the first thing she said to me was... "Jacie ahr! Surely straight A's wan la! Sign here..."

I knew she'd say that.

I muttered something for the sake of muttering at her (old habits die hard) squiggled something that was not my signature, and then seized my result slip. I saw nothing but a line of A's.

Relief. Instantaneous relief. Relief so strong it overpowered the joy. Why? Well, surely you know. Pn. Lean's greeting statement sort of explains it.

Everything was light-headed for me, woozy after that. Really. I felt like throwing up. Seriously. I finally regretted eating so much. I wobbled over to my expectant sisters and cha, (Cha's first words being: "I bet you got straight A's, didn't you?"), still staring unseeingly at the paper. Jamie jokingly asked me to count the A's, something I told her I'd do. I tried to, using my finger to do so, and then I realised when Cha pointed it out that I was shaking. Very badly. All the relief in the world couldn't have replaced the great anxiety I'd been feeling.

I'll stop here. It's long enough. It was good to know all my hard work paid off, knowing that, after all I'd studied and slaved and sacrificed, God wasn't going to be so cruel to me. Still, it would have been nice to have felt a little bit more happiness than relief. But that's the price you pay for making sure you get good results - everyone takes your success for granted, and you have to worry double time, in case you really do fail.