Monday, January 11, 2010


When I got through add maths without a headache, and managed to survive physics despite missing half the lesson, I thought the day was going to be great. After all, I only had Mod Maths and English left, what the heck, even I wasn't so much of a wreck as to ruin my day with those 2 subjects. Unfortunately, I should have kept a rein on my triumph, even if I only thought it to myself. Says Tamora Pierce, the gods don't like happy mortals. So somehow, I had a minor breakdown during modern maths.

Because the teacher made me cry.

I was doing fine, talking with Lis and Joey, and then I decided to ask the teacher (who shares Hafizah's impractical theory of doing all the questions in the textbook) to show me to do something. By the by, she's not very good. She doesn't know how to solve 67 200 divide by 120. Never mind that. We all make mistakes. Anyways, I asked her a question, and she came over with her red pen. And then she started scribbling in my book. I told her I had paper, and that it wasn't necessary. She said she wanted to. But she was scribbling in the empty space where I wanted to write, and I am neurotic when it comes to keeping my notes nice. Because I do like to revise from decent-looking texts, and scribbles all over my page in red ink is not my idea of decent. Plus, she was trying to figure out the answer, and in doing so, kept crossing out her working when she got it wrong.

I guess I overreacted. I begged her not to, covered the book, and told her I understood. Okay, I know for sure I overreacted. I told her I had symptoms of OCD and tried to offer her another book to scribble in. But she was unstoppable, and in the end I just let her write over my page. I'm not that rude, I still sort of respect her as a teacher. But when she left I took Jocelyn's advice and ripped out the page, and redid many questions. After putting my head down and sobbing for pretty long. No one noticed, except Lis and Joey I think, and I soon pulled myself together. It was neurotic, I know, and probably stupid. But you must understand I've been rather unstable lately. More than rather unstable. Over the weekend I've been having crying spells, and I've not really been eating.

When Jacie stops eating, you know there's something really wrong.

But I'm doing better. I'm dealing with the tuition and the studies, and I'm on the path to recovery from that other thing. I'm going to stop being neurotic. I'm going to pull myself together. No one needs to worry. People go through this all the time. Especially people like me.

Please don't despise me, I can't help being high-strung. I'm sorry I suck. Please don't hate me. ):

Thanks LiSar for ignoring my tears today and for that other thing, and sorry Joey if I scared you, but you said I didn't, so that's okay.

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